I betrayed myself. Then I lost myself.
I’ve never felt this stressed in my entire life.
Heck, I would rather study for my high school exams all over again.
It all started with an Instagram call. We met on dating app (fishy, I know). In many instances throughout, especially the beginning, he was completely fine and decent and charming. He asked genuine questions, showed interest and exuded warmth, and was the one to carry our conversations; it was as if we could talk about anything.
But only now do I see that that was just a way to forge a bond with me. And I bought his whole trick. He had me believing he wanted me. I didn’t want to lose him.
As time went by, everything was normal. We would go out. Eat, talk, laugh, fight, and do things he wanted to do which I did not (but succumbed because “I didn’t wanna lose him”). The child in me hungry for attention and affection stayed even though in front of her eyes was a man who gave her basic attention and false promises. Aside from my attachment to him and his charming ways, the hope I had and my rationalizations were what carried me through the evil shitstorm that was his gradual emotional detachment, mockery & criticism, disinterest, and outright bullying (especially in times of conflict).
It was obvious that it was a trauma bond. A trauma bond so strong that leaving was not even an apparent option. I see it now, why I never left.
I kept hoping for him to be better- because I wanted him. At the time, it didn’t occur to me that a. you can’t just have something just because you want it and b. sometimes we want something that’s actually bad for us because of our deeply rooted psychological issues, which can somehow twist our mind to think they’re good for us.
Obviously what unfolded as time went on was that he checked out of the relationship, emotionally*. Yet I saw this as him being affected by his current life circumstances and didn’t stop to think that it was because of me not giving him what he wanted, sex*. We did things but never got to sex. I can say all of this* with confidence because of how he acted throughout the relationship (which I was aware of but tolerated) and because of the things he said as we reached the end of our journey together.
Breathe deeply before you hear what I’m about to tell you.
He said “see, it’s a good thing we’re breaking up” when I didn’t want to engage in a sexually intimate (but not sex) act. He also then offered to be in an open relationship with me “until (I) get another boy”. Indeed, this was when my rose-colored lenses fell off and I finally saw him for who he was.
A player. A sociopath. A charming guy, yes, but a selfish, arrogant, deeply insecure, and inflexible sex maniac with difficulties regulating his emotions. It astounds me that yet somehow to this moment I still vacillate between this reality of who he is and the version of him I came to love.
Yup, I actually loved him. I thought I was infatuated with him, but I believed there was a part of him that I really understood and wanted to help. Gosh, that trauma bond…
I did a lot of things with him, but for him too. I not only withstood his ways but also offered him things he never offered me, without a single qualm. Most of all, I offered him my belief in him: My faith that he would turn around and love me back and be a better person lasted until the very end. Only it was a delusional belief.
If you’re reading this, and especially if you’re a young girl, please take it from me: Everything you need is within yourself. I knew this but I never took it as an oath straight to the heart. I want you to know that you are worthy of respect, which also means no guy should make you do things you don’t actually want to do. Things which you may feel you have to do in order to keep them for the sake of attention, affection, or even comfort & convenience (these last two apply to him; I provided him that). Heck I even massaged him often!
That’s all I have to say. I shouldn’t have any regrets because I was a part of this.
Yet I do regret. I regret believing in him, trying so hard to make our relationship work, and sacrificing my own values for the sake of keeping what I thought I loved (him). It was foolish.
It was foolish because I paid very little attention to the other person’s intentions and efforts towards me. So girls, please.
If something good can come out of this, it’s that I find strength in my pain (versus shame, perhaps), rebuild myself, and stay compassionate, forgiving, open-minded about how I think about what has happened and will happen, and objective about what happens next immediately.
Another good thing to come out of this would be that you, dear reader, just tuned in to a (hopefully powerful) lived experience that reminds you of the following: Don’t stay where you’re not truly wanted. Don’t dim your light for others. Trust your gut and don’t feel sorry for someone and stay just because your unhealed part wants to keep them around. Show the people you love a plentiful amount of love and stick to these people only.
And lastly, may god protect you from yourself, Saad Rahim Sandhu. You have taken a part of me and killed my inner child’s soul but thank you too for helping me grow up a lot more. When I think back to our almost six months, I will always wonder how I had let evil into my life just like that.
