Let’s get real.
Is your default mental state depression? Do you, without knowingly, feel tired to be you, and wonder how long more you have to be on earth, wondering when you’ll finally be okay like everybody else?
The thing is, we all have the desire to feel okay, but this is almost possible for those of us who keep finding ourselves stuck in self-hatred, self-doubt, self-blame, self-rejection- whatever you call it, it’s basically a subconscious desire to not exist; maybe that’s why what happens next is self-isolation and withdrawal from all things life. Because the truth is, when our experiences with people have shaped our brains to be the kind of brain that forbids us to feel good about ourselves and feel optimistic about things, being nothing (through death) seems like a brighter prospect than having to face a reality in which we’re reminded we are nothing.
But there is a reason you’re depressed, and that reason isn’t you or you being inherently useless and good-for-nothing. The reason you’re depressed is you’ve tried so hard for so long but nothing ‘works’; maybe you don’t get the job, the friends, or the intimacy (‘love’) you want…When things get hard for so long, it’d be second nature for us to give up and blame ourselves, especially if we did not have the chance to develop a secure sense of self.
So give yourself that chance now, to find yourself, amidst all that emotional pain, yourself, yearning to be found and hugged through all the tears, shivers, & screams; give yourself the chance to be okay by putting words to your pain, and that will eventually help you see you don’t have to hate yourself just because it sucked to be you all this while. Last but not least, don’t wait for someone to tell you you’re okay and in fact, rather amazing, when you wake up everyday.
One more thing: if you need meds to help you, please go get it. Then, make daily choices that teach your brain that you deserve to feel okay and that the world is not so scary. It could be a daily check-in with yourself in the morning, a must-do 10-min brisk walking after lunch, a reflective time meditating or journaling on how you’ve truly been feeling, keeping a CBT thought record & going over it with a therapist occasionally, always reminding yourself to pay attention to the present moment, keeping a to-do list to guide your days, looking at yourself as a kind, knowing parent would, and embracing everything you are made to embrace with little steps, celebrating every progress and allowing for rest times, imperfection, and forgiveness.
